I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Drunk is a universal language darling
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
