I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
