she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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