Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
