i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
