lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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