just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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