i'm signing you up for texting rehab
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
