at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
