woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
