Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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