apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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