I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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