Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
