Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
