i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
