Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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