how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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