just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I currently don't understand fingers.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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