i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
