Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
