Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
