you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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