But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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