Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
