I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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