Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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