you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
