I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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