You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
