So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
