Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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