She is in my trunk
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
