I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
