just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
