So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
