i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
