My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
