Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
