never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
