woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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