Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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