Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
