So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Everclear isn't food dammit
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
