ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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