Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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