i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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