i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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