I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
