Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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